[asa] 12 days

*The 12 Days of Christmas*

December 14, 1972

My dearest darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a
Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for
thinking of me this way.

My love always,
Agnes

December 15, 1972

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle
doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable.

All my love,
Agnes

December 16, 1972

Dear John:

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such
generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist,
you've been too kind.

All my love,
Agnes

December 17, 1972

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are
beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes

December 18, 1972

Dearest John:

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for
every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those
birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,
Agnes

December 19, 1972

Dear John:

When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my
front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? These geese are huge.
Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep
through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,
Agnes

December 20, 1972

John:

What's with you and those silly birds? Seven swans a swimming? What kind of
joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the
racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So
stop with the birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes

December 21, 1972

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the heck am I going to do with 8 maids a
milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but
they had to bring their cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't
move in my own >house. Just lay off me, smarty.

Agnes

December 22, 1972

Hey Doodoohead:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And boy
do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here
yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over
those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a
petition to evict me. You'll get yours!

Agnes

December 23, 1972

You rotten thing:

Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call them ladies. They've
been flirting with those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and
they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The Commissioner of
Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be
condemned. I'm calling the police on you!

Agnes

December 24, 1972

Listen ?#*!head:

What's with those eleven lords a leaping with those maids and ladies? All
twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death by the
lords and ladies and pipers. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious
swine.

Your sworn enemy,
Agnes

December 25, 1972

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The
destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our
attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale
Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.

With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chol

Burgy. Merry Christmas

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Received on Thu Dec 20 17:18:44 2007